There must be light wherever you are

I'm crazy about this picture !!!

Last night, we talked about death. She was speaking and I imagined every word she said, I felt like if I was in her funerals and this morning I’m still in the death mood.

It’s not the first time I think about death, but it was the first time I thought about our prophet’s death. And I felt so lonely for the first time, as a muslim. She said that everybody hurts when he dies, and even our prophet suffered a lot while he was dying… then, I imagined people who were sitting next to him when he was dying, I imagined myself one of them, I imagined when his soul left his body, and I felt so alone, the world was so empty suddenly. He was the last messenger from God, now we have to be stronger.

When I was sixteen, I couldn’t understand people who love Allah and the prophet so much, after all I don’t know the prophet, I mean I don’t know this person, and few years later I even wondered if he really existed, so how could I love somebody I only hear of ??? I tried to love him and God by I couldn’t.

I only felt love for God one year ago and realized how blind and stupid I was, this love was the result of a long journey, but I was still enable to love our prophet, I don’t know him very well, so I started reading about him every time I found a text or a documentary about him. So I learned that he was The most peaceful man, he was the wisest, the most tolerant and the most humble man but I felt love for him only yesterday, alhamdulillah (thank God).

I’m listening to « Don’t believe in love » by Dido, and she says « If I don’t believe in love, nothing is good for me, if I don’t believe in love, nothing will last for me and nothing is real for me ». It’s kind of the same for me, but I guess we’re speaking of different love.

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We’re all the same, begging for some attention

Shiny toy guns

I feel tired, I don’t like the winter or the autumn, I don’t like it when it’s cold and i feel sick. I’m already missing the sun, he took my good mood with him.

I feel empty and saturated at the same time, I’m happy and indifferent, maybe I’m too happy.

Or maybe I’m just tired.

I have decided to stop writing, I mean writing some personal stuff, I feel lost when I do so, so I will stop. It’s a bad sign, I know. Will I ever grow up (again) ? I think I won’t and I will die as a kid or a teen lost in her own mind. Is it bad ? I feel like I need some help, a kind of a life coach or something. Is it what we call a psychologist ? Hummm, but I don’t know if it’s the right person to talk to, I’d rather it to be a monk in Himalaya or anywhere else in the world on the top of a mountain.

I need some space. Again.

I finally followed my heart, and that’s what makes me feel that I don’t grow up, I feel like there is some misunderstanding here. I know what my problem is, I’m the queen of the drama ! I’m a dramatic girl, I always make a big deal of everything and I can’t help it, really, I try to be more realist but I just can’t. I have a big imagination, big dreams, big passions, but I also feel sometimes that some stories are so sad even if they are not, and I feel so sad or so angry while maybe I shouldn’t…

Anyway, I feel better now. Thank youuu !

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The beat of the world

Ink

I just read an interview with Jeremy Make who played Jacob the blind pathfinder in Ink, I rarely look for more informations about a movie or the actors after watching it, but this one is exceptional.

Acting can be a very interresting job where you can practice a lot of meditation about yourself and the world. I wish I was an actress so I could dream all the time and practice my passion which is to live many lives.

The more you speak to people, the more you lose yourself. The more I speak to people the more I feel bored and don’t know what to do. The more I speak to people, the less I dream and I need to fly to feel alive.

I think that most people look into your eyes when they want to concentrate on what you’re saying, I never do that, I always need to walk away to concentrate on what you’re saying and people think I’m dreaming or I’m shy and that I’m not concentrated but they’re wrong. Some people need to speak loudly to make it clear, everytime I speak I just get more lost, I only find my way in silence. There isn’t enough words to express the whole world which is inside of us. I think that I’ve found myself long time ago but I thought that growing up means to become like everybody else, so I tried to become one of them and now I know that I was wrong, I won’t say that it was a waste of time, it was an experience I had to make to be more sure about who I am.

I think that most people need each other so they can survive, as far as I’m concerned, it’s the complete opposite. I only like to talk to people when I need a break, so I come down on earth, I talk, I laugh with people and I eat some chocolate before I go back to « work », to « my life ».

I’m always looking for people I can talk to when I’m working, but they are very few and paradoxically I can’t keep them next to me for a long time. It seems like it’s natural… I think I understand.

These are the people I’m missing today.

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Something’s gotta stop the flow

My favourite scene for sure.

There are so many things we think about each others, so many thoughts we keep unsaid but I can hear them.

I can hear them thinking that I’m impolite or too rebel because I don’t help them at the housework at home, but they say nothing because I give them money in the beginning of each month, and specially the last one I gave them more than usual, so they keep quiet. If I don’t help that much in the housework it’s only because they don’t ask me to.

I can hear her laughing like a monster while she’s smiling like a mom. She’s addicted to money and all her thoughts are about how she can make more money and how her life would be if she was young and rich. Her life today is made of regrets of the bad choices she made when she was younger… Her mind is full of « what if… »

I can hear him crying sometimes, but he loves us so much and we’re the best thing that happened in his life, we’re all he’s got.

I could hear his whispers in my ears every time I talked to him, I could feel his lips every time I understood him, I liked our sensual dances and when I looked into his eyes I could see the lies all the time…

I didn’t hear his thoughts while we were walking in these narrow alleys, he is my story teller and I love these moments I spend in the comfortable red sofa he offered me.

These are my suspicions and I might be wrong.

I dreamed of The Samuraï last night, we were friends again and I was satisfied. Things were back to normal. I’d love to talk to him again, I think I miss him. I miss a lot of people suddenly.

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1, 2, 3, 4… Wake up !

I don’t know what to say. When it begins, I wanted to cry… When I watched the trailer, I… Sometimes I feel like I’m easily on the other side, I’m not totally here and I’m almost there…

I don’t know what to say. This is not fiction, I believe that this is reality. I also believe that when something affects me this deep, then it must be real. So, I believe this is reality. This is a part of this existence which we don’t see. There are good beings that try to help us in our mission in this life, and there are bad beings who work for the devil. This is not a game, our existence is very serious. We’re complicated beings and so is our mission.

There is another war going on around us, I believe since a very long time.

The world of our dreams and our nightmares is very mysterious. My dreams are very strange most of the time, I don’t know what it means or why they are even like this. These days, something weird is happening, I don’t wake up from my nightmares, I mean I’m not afraid or at least not enough to wake up. I observe my nightmares, I’m afraid but I don’t move and I try to keep quiet… then I move on to another dream. I wake up very exhausted in the morning, I don’t really have rest at night, my weird dreams are exhausting. There is a lot of action, and too many dreams going quickly in my mind, it’s like time is running out and I don’t know what’s the purpose.

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Secret story

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We talked about this yesterday with one of my best friends and she didn’t think I’m a monster or even acting like a teenager. She said that it’s a complicated story according to the special circumstances and she is pretty sure that this story would’ve been over sooner or later if we hadn’t end it so suddenly and I agree with her. Let’s say that I was having a good time ! I liked the guy, I felt like I understood him very well and I liked it, but I did not fall for him in any way ! I’m lucid enough to know that the break up would be quick.

I have always followed my heart and I’ve never regretted it.

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No title

Angus and Julia Stone

Tonight I want to talk about love or… give me this  brush I’m gonna show you something new !

I have always said that my best writings are the ones I do without thinking and the worst ones are those papers I write trying to justify myself. I never was comfortable with justifying, I’m not that kind of girl. People may say I’m savage or impolite but who cares ? I definitely don’t. This is how I grew up and I love it this way. I used to say and think that I don’t care about my readers, I only write for myself, so I usually don’t explain and these were my favorite papers. It may surprise but they were the favorite papers of the readers too.

I also realize that my favorite texts are the ones I write when I feel lonely or in love, but these two state of mind are quite similar for me. When I’m in love, all my world is about me and the lover of the moment, so I feel like we’re the only one in this world… and it feels good.

I love these 30 minutes I spend twice a week walking in the streets of my big city at night, listening to music, watching people, crossing the glance of strangers staring at me, sharing these short moments with these total strangers and feel like we will be a part of each others lives forever. My favorite moment is still while I’m standing beside the green light, staring at these cars running, looking at these different faces and I feel like I’m stealing some of their intimacy, watching many lives scrolling in front of my eyes… such a delicious emotion.

Ignoring what’s going on around me and what’s going on inside of me is not the best way of living my life, maybe this is why I feel like I missed the boat but I’m not used to this. I know what the problem is, I’m always afraid of conflicts and I think that it’s time for some bravery.

I feel like this year will be full of great lessons and big change !

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